Up in your Grid, Jumpin' your Programs...

3rd June 2012

Post reblogged from McCoy. Leonard McCoy. with 21 notes

harpstrummingchoirboy:

— I see now that it’s a punishment resurrection. It’s worse every time.

Dean and Sam are dead.

They’ve been dead for seven years now.

Castiel should’ve died seven years ago. He should’ve died before that. The bottom line is that… they won’t let him.

Each death had been spaced apart, significantly, the first three times. And for the first two, he’d thought they were… blessings.  He thought he was meant to live, he’d thought that He had brought him back, he thought that He wanted him to fight, continue fighting, help the Winchesters, prevent the world from burning.

He sees now that he was wrong.

He saw, the third time, that it was a punishment resurrection. The second was worse than the first, and the third was worse from the second…

In seven years, he saw that it just got worse and worse. He barely bothered with anything but memories, now. He’d tried to follow the Winchesters numerous times. He belonged with them and they were in Heaven but…

Heaven sure could hold a grudge.

After a hundred years, Castiel stops. He just stops. He sits down with a computer— they’ve progressed, a lot, over the years. Castiel hadn’t noticed. It takes him two weeks to familiarize himself with the device— and writes. He writes of everything he can remember. He tells war stories from his times of a soldier in Heaven. He writes of the evolution of human kind, writes down everything he can think of until he makes it to the hunt that killed the Winchester brothers, where he draws a blank.

It takes him months to write about it, and when he does it’s terribly vague.

After that, he writes of the loss it had been. He writes of how terrible every resurrection was, he writes of his fury toward his brothers and sisters, he describes the gaping hole of loneliness he feels in his chest. He writes of his regrets, of his fears, of his love and his hate.

His book is published.

It’s marked as a work of fiction.

Castiel attempts again to dispose of himself.

He wakes the next morning no physically different than he had been, his frustration and his anger and his loneliness growing.

Castiel lives until he’s the last man on Earth.

And he lives longer.

He’s given up, at this point. And his only thought is to wonder if Dean and Sam still remember him. Still remember what he’s done and what he was. He wonders if Dean still remembers that he was like a brother to him. He wonders if Sam still remembers the hug that he’d refused to give. He wonders if Sam regrets that. He wonders if Dean regrets the way their relationship tore apart as much as the angel does.

He knows that, even if they did remember him, they don’t regret anything. Heaven is of peace, and few thoughts draw any sort of negative emotion. He knows, at least, that Dean and Sam are happy.

And after a while, that becomes enough.

Tagged: ;^;fuck youcastielfanfiction

Source: harpstrummingchoirboy